Happiness is...

doing what you love!

I have been in a funk for a while now. I knew it was because I was not doing anything that made me even feel like I was working towards doing what I love.

When you do something just for the money or just for a line on a Resume, you cannot be happy. You cannot reach your full potential.

My 3 hour a day job asked me not to come in for a week and a half. The day before that week and a half was over, they called telling me not to come in until they told me to. That was it, I'd had it. I was tired of being strung along and not getting anywhere near ahead in my life. I felt like I was moving backwards instead of forward. I was also making very little and having to drive at least an hour a day to work 3 hours. I did this, though, because it had been steady work up until that point. So, I called the next day and told them that I really appreciated all they had done for me, but I needed to focus on getting a real job (of course I said this in prettier words). They actually seemed surprised.

I'm now working on a case with a retired attorney who is currently working as a notary with my husband. He had one case left over from when he was taking cases and asked if I could help him with it since I have a lot more time. Of course I jumped at the chance.

I find that just writing pleadings and researching things in my code books makes me giddy! I've re-discovered my love for law and would prefer not to look back but only forward.

I know I won't have the steady income that I once had, but at least I won't have to feel like I'm losing my soul, pride and self worth for it.

I now know that I don't need material items or a big fancy job and all the perks that come with it. I just need to be doing something that I love. I've heard before that if you do something you love, the rest will just fall into place. We shall see if that happens or not.

Maybe I'm over-dramatic and spoiled, but this change is what I needed.

Family Planning

With the recent births of my nephews, I find myself reflecting on what my TTC plan had been. Of course it is no longer the case and at this point it is being put off indefinitely (well keep reading) due mainly to the lack of maternity insurance, but I guess I'll tell yall anyway.

I had originally hoped to start TTC around my 27th birthday so February 2012. This would mean that I'd get off of BCPs 6 months before so that would be this August. I would likely use NFP during the 6 months and not worry if I did get pregs. Our church required us to take an NFP course, so we are somewhat knowledgeable about this and I still have the book. I'd also use this time to start charting and see if my cycles were regular enough for me to plan, etc. We'd then start actively TTC in February. So we'd be married for at least 3 years before our first child was born.

This plan was all based upon me wanting to be in a job for two years after law school before having a baby (not before getting pregnant). Obviously, with my lack of steady or "real" employment, this is no longer the plan.

At this point, I don't know if I have a plan. The only plan I have now is that if I'm getting close to 30 and things haven't fallen into place, I'm going to say f it and start TTC anyway. I have this "f it" plan because I want to have children and my husband wants to have children and I don't think our life would be fulfilled if we never tried and gave ourselves that chance. Also because it is easy to keep putting something off and saying you aren't ready and then never getting around to doing it. Also, I'm hoping that these extra 3 to 4 years will be enough time for the economy, job market, and legal job market to recover and afford us more and better employment opportunities. We'll be married for 6 years when I'm 30 so we'd be sticking with what the current trend seems to be in our family!

I'm also not sure if I will stick with the 2 year plan or not if I ever do actually get a real job. It will really depend on the job and job security and of course health insurance. At this point, I don't have maternity insurance and the private insurance company I have now doesn't even offer maternity. So, I really can't even logically consider sticking with my time frame and ignoring the job situation. I could get insurance with maternity through DH's employer, but the premium would be like 3 times what I pay now. I think this amount is absurd and even if we could I wouldn't want to pay this.

I'd still like to stick to my "have all my kids by 35" time frame so that is why any qualifications I had about "what I need before baby" will go out the window when I'm pushing 30. DH would like me to not care about any of this now and especially when he is pushing 30, but he is two years older than me so he will be 30 a lot sooner (2013 vs 2015) than I think I can depart from logic and reason. He has already departed.

Not having a baby until 2015, however, does seem really far in the future :(

Also, if I put off having kids that long, I'll likely have to have my kids closer together in age. I wanted my kids 2-4 years apart, which really in my mind was 2 years 9 months to 4 years apart. I can't imagine TTC with a 1 year old or a baby younger than that, but it might have to happen if I have to wait until 30 to have #1.

Here's my "f it"/"if things don't fall into place before" plan. If I have to wait until 29 to start TTC, I'll get off BCPs at 29 which is February 2014 (that will be 8 years of being on them ugh) or on our 5 year anniversary July 2014 (29 and five months). If things go well I'll have #1 at 29 or 30. Depending on a lot of things obviously, I'd want to have #2 around 32/33 and #3 around 34/35 and probably have to stop there. (DH and I had agreed that I'd go for a 4th if all 3 were the same gender - our compromise because he wants 4 and I want 3; but I'd really rather not go over the 35 age because of the extra tests they make you get) If our financial situation does not make it feasible, we won't have as many children (I think this goes without saying).

Obviously, this could all be shot to sh!t if we have any IF issues. I've always had a lingering feeling in the back of my mind that I would have IF issues but that could just be me being a worry wart. This also makes waiting suck more and why 29 is my latest age to start trying, because at 29 I'd still have time to work through any IF issues and be able to have a baby before nature became a problem as well. Obviously if we had any IF issues the number of kids is likely to decrease.

Also, if something awesome happens, we might wind up TTC before the "f it" time frame or I might just keep that time frame.

I'm a planner so I need to have this plan in place. It makes me feel so much better to have this plan there. It gives me hope for the future and something to look forward to. DH and I are so emotionally ready to have a baby, we just need the means and now at least I have a plan :)

16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom

For some reason, I can't stop watching these shows.

I didn't know why so I thought I'd write a few reasons why to try to figure this out.

First, these train wrecks are in a worse situation than I'm in. When you are unemployed/underemployed and have bunches of student loans, its hard to find someone in a worse financial situation than you are in. Most of these girls are, however, in worse situation. I know that is kind of mean but its only human to think like that and search out for this.

However, these girls made a mistake. I'm still searching for the mistake I made - besides choosing law for my career.

Also, even if I never get a really well paying job, I still graduated high school with honors and on time; I graduated from college with honors and a semester early; and I graduated law school on time.

The only problem is they have one of the things I, in good sense, can't have right now - a baby. Its so hard to have an education, to be married, to have a great relationship with my husband but the job market not giving me a chance and so I can't have a baby.

Since I've been responsible my whole life, I can't be irresponsible now. I can't consciously make a bad decision. I know it would be wrong to have a baby now. You shouldn't have a baby if you can't support the baby or yourself. I know this and it sucks. It sucks being responsible.

sidenote: OMG there is a car seat on a school bus in one of the Carolinas - WTF? (on an episode of 16 & pregnant.) I just think its wrong that this stuff is there, but I went to Catholic school so any adjustments in schools that allows for teen pregnancy is really foreign to me.

sidenote 2: I hate the new lady that is doing the after shows - how annoying can she be?

Oh and I love my BCPs, so there is no way I can have an accident baby. I had terrible, horrible not able to function periods until BCPs. I can't believe I let my Catholic guilt not let me get on them sooner. They have been the answer to my debilitating cramps. I used to have to take 3 Aleve and soak in an extremely hot tub to even feel like maybe I could relax. That was before we knew how bad Aleve was. So, if I ever want to TTC, I'm going to have to be able to afford some kind of prescription medication for my awful cramps. That would bring me to the subject of healthcare, but that will have to wait for another post.

So anyway, the gist is I love watching this show, it makes me feel a little better and it makes me wish I could be irresponsible.

New Adventure: Weight Loss

Law School does a lot of things to a person. One of the lovely side effects for me has been gaining weight.

Since I didn't gain weight until my 2nd Semester, first is a picture of my husband and I after my first semester and second is a picture of Me after my Law School Graduation dinner. I couldn't find any full length more recent pictures, but I have gained a little since even then which was in May. The difference between these two pictures is about 20 pounds for me.

Us December 2007

Me May 2010

My weight gain also coincides with moving in with my husband. My first year of law school was his last year. He lived in Baton Rouge and I was here in New Orleans. It was terrible! The year before we lived in apartments across the street from each other but spent pretty much every night together. It was a huge adjustment to say the least. During my second semester in law school, we got engaged. So I decided that when he moved back we would get an apartment together. So, we moved in together in August 2008.

DH had gained a lot of weight from studying for the BAR and not eating healthy at all. So, we got a Wii Fit and started working out. Jonathan was also cooking, so we didn't eat out as much as we do now. We did pretty well especially him until we got Charles. It kind of all went downhill from there.

So, I got on the Wii Fit today and it told me I hadn't been on it in over 550 days! I weighed myself and I have gained over 14 pounds since January 2009 and am now over 23 BMI. Luckily I'm still in the normal BMI range for my weight. To get down to 22 BMI (like 22.02) I need to lose over 8 pounds.

So that is now my goal - to lose weight!

I hate being this big because I've always been small. I don't really know what I am if I'm not small. I'm really short and look young. When people ask me for my ID when I order a drink, it makes me sad. Not just because I'm 25, but because when I was under 21 I weight like 30 pounds less. Yes I was probably too skinny but still!

I'm not sure if I'll ever get back to that December 2007 weight, but I would like to get back to that January 2009 weight. I can't believe I thought I was fat then and I was over 14 pounds less than I am now.

125 doesn't sound big to most people, but most people aren't a little over 5 feet tall. Most people weren't under 95 pounds when they started dating their husbands. Most people aren't used to thinking that 110 is a normal weight to be.

The one good side effect of being chunky - my boobs. I love my boobs. They are huge and I'm loving them. I know I will miss them when I lose weight. When, not if! I was a 34 D 14 pounds ago, but now I'm pretty much busting out of my 34 Ds. I have a low chest, so no one ever thought I had big boobs until now. Oh well, I'll go back to keeping my secret if it means getting back in my capris from last year!

My Life in a Youtube Video

This is my life right now.

Except I don't think I'll get a high paying job anyway.

This was my theme my first year in law school.

Reflection

As I was posting pictures of my law school graduation on fb, I found myself looking at the pictures from my undergraduate graduation. This made me reflect back on how many changes have taken place in my life in those 3 1/2 years.

I graduated Magna Cum Laude from LSU with a Bachelors of Arts in Political Science in December 2006. It only took me three years and a half years to complete my degree. Looking back on it, it was probably the 3 and a half best years of my life to date. I had so much hope, so many dreams, so many plans.

I was already dating my husband and we had been dating a year and a half when I graduated undergrad. He had just finished his first semester of law school. The future seemed so bright for us.

Well, as they say, the best laid plans often go awry.

Now that I've graduated law school, I'm not excited, I'm not happy. Writing the beginning of that sentence brought tears to my eyes. Tears, thinking about what that 21 year old would have thought of the life she is now living. Tears of a planner who seems to never be able to carry out her plans perfectly.

My sister made a toast/speech to me tonight and in it she said how I stuck to my plan and completed it. She also said how I had a "Dream Life" and she hoped I was on my way to getting it.

Well life is never a dream life, but how do you tell a five year old or even a 13 year old that?

When I entered the honors 8th grade program at my high school, I remember my plan was to be a psychiatrist then go on to politics. My 8th grade friends even said that was a proper plan for me, but at 8th grade graduation when the class speaker said that, I thought no I now want to be a lawyer. That career choice has not changed since then. Yes, I've second guessed myself, but never really did I defer from that plan.

But the thing is, I never wanted to be an out of work lawyer or even a poor lawyer, I wanted to be a well off lawyer with a big house. As a girl who never grew up around lawyers, I had no idea that that was not the norm. In law school, I discovered the fact that there were poor lawyers who didn't live in big houses and struggled to pay the bills. But by then I had fallen in love with the law and started to realize I would be happy being a "poor" lawyer. That image of a "poor" lawyer, however, never included one without a JOB!

I had always wanted to do something where I would help people but make a lot of money doing it. Now I realize that I might be able to help people and not make money doing it. But part of me would be perfectly okay with that except that I have all these loans to pay back.

If I could get a public service job, however, and stayed in it for 10 years, my loans would be forgiven. I would be happy with that, in fact I would love that. I would get to practice law but not lose my soul in the process. I could help people who aren't able to afford an attorney but have a legal problem.

But these jobs aren't available either.

But that is now what I'm aiming for, to work for a non-profit of some sort and fulfill the first part of my basic plan - to do something where I help people. As for the second part, I've realized that money is certainly not everything and I'd rather be rich in life and love than rich in terms of my bank account.

The guest speaker at graduation said for us to plan but to be open to the possibility that God will lead us on another direction. I think I know where God is leading me, but I'm not sure at all. I guess we shall see, we shall see.....

Oh no, can I pause?

After my first semester of law school, I couldn't wait to graduate, get a job and live in the real world. DH and I had so many dreams and plans for what our lives would be like now. They are now all shot to sh!t because of the economy.

Early during the Fall Semester, I was let go from my little law clerk job I had had since the summer after my first year in law school. They had two law clerks and they really didn't need both of us and I could only work maybe 10 hours a week and the other clerk had already passed the BAR. So, I can't say I was surprised or even really disappointed. I have since learned that they also let the other girl go after me.

DH had a very precarious job situation, making very little money until January when his boss finally decided to stop working. I can't blame his boss. The boss' wife was diagnosed with cancer in an advanced stage. The boss himself was in his 70s. He should be retired. He should spend time with and take care of his wife while she is going through this rough time.

Since then DH did get a project from my old boss which kept him busy for a little while. He is still waiting to get paid the rest of the money from this project. DH has also been working on random projects/ventures with one of his friends (random projects that no one gets paid for that is).

But now, the reality of the situation is that we have essentially no income and part of my loans are beginning repayment. As in I had to make a payment today!

I'm really thinking about doing income based repayment. So many people say why would you do that, you wind up paying so much more interest in the long run. Well to them I say, do you have an extra "a whole lot of money" a month? because I'm pretty sure you don't and if you do you are very lucky. And that does not include DH's loans, because guess what he went to law school too. Although he did go to much less expensive one than I did (I went to a private school and DH went to a public one) (I was wait listed for the public one because I can't do well on a standardized test to save my life [even though I graduated early from college and with a 3.896 GPA] and thought oh I'll be able to get some kind of job after law school - NOT!!).

So my feelings as of today are please let me pause life until I have a good job and can pay all these bills. My future just seems too bleak to deal with.

How are we ever going to buy a house or new cars or afford to have a baby when this is our situation?

I'm hoping some good luck (in the form of a job or two jobs) comes our way so that we can proceed with our lives.

The real world is much too real for me, please, please, let me pause!!!

oh and ps: why would I want to finish this last final when this is my future?

Formal Graduation Pictures

I'm graduating from Law School next week, but first I must get through my very last (hopefully) finals weeks.

I must say I can't believe that soon I won't be a student anymore, that will just be crazy to me. Hopefully I won't be unemployed too too long after this summer of BAR studying.

Here are the pictures I took at the grad fair Loyola had.

First me with the gigantic diploma cover. I love that you can see my rings in the picture lol, but maybe I should have gotten a manicure.

Then my favorite close up.


Lastly, my Mom's favorite that I don't particularly like lol.

Its Official!

I'm FAT!

I tried to put on my jean capris that I bought last year from Ann Taylor Loft before my honeymoon. Here is me in them on my honeymoon.

I must admit that I did wear them a lot last year, but still. I could not button or zip them up! They are a size 4P!

I am a 6!Now as I have said before a size 6 sounds small to most people, but most people are not barely 5'1", most people don't wear a size 6 shoe, they are not petite. I used to be. Well technically I'm still petite because I am short, but I no longer have that tiny waist that I used to have, that I was so proud of. That I thought I would never lose.

I remember being in 8th grade and not wanting to go shopping because I couldn't fit in Juniors sizes, but the kids sized clothes looked too young. My favorite store was 5-7-9 and I wore a 0. I even have size 0 jeans from college. The biggest I was in College was a 2. I can't believe 5 years later I'm in a 6!!

When I started dating DH (well I was 20), I weighed less than 100 pounds. I do not even want to know how much I weigh now. I'd guess like 130 (I hope its more like 125, I guess I'll have to find out when I go to the gyno in the next 2 months ugg!!). At my lowest in College (while dating DH) I weighed like 93 pounds. No more!

I just looked at pictures from my sister's wedding and it makes me sick how f'in skinny I was. I tried that dress on last year (when I bought those capris) and couldn't fit it over my thighs. DH and I had already been dating a year at the time of my sister's July 2006 wedding. Look at this skinny b*tch!

I think this next picture could not say more of how far I've come from that skinny b*tch.



I think this is going to be one of the hardest years of my life. Between my Gamma having cancer, my husband losing the crappy job he did have, me graduating law school and taking the BAR and having to find a job. Oh did I mention DH also has a JD - so no worth it!! If you are thinking about going to law school, don't. At least not yet or if you will have any kind of student loans afterward. I didn't have any student loans after undergrad, I was lucky the state paid for my college and my parents paid my living expenses. Law school was way too expensive for anyone to pay for (thanks private school) so I have loans. I tried to not take out too much, but its still a lot and lots of scary payments coming up!

I think I really need to try to do the Special K diet, like I keep saying I will do. I also need my back to get better so I can start working out on the Wii Fit again.

Then sometimes I think why lose weight when I want to have a baby in 2 years. But will that actually happen, I hope it will, I hope jobs come our way!

The year isn't half way through and I can't wait for it to be over!

I'm glad my husband always laughs at me when I say I'm fat and tells me that I'm still small and that I'm beautiful.

I've been in a bad mood today. My booty still hurts from my accident along with my lower back. DH did our taxes and we owe money (stupid self employment tax). I have court on Thursday and I doubt its going to go very well. Finals have snuck up on me again and my first one is April 28, yes a mere two weeks away.

I doubt I could make it through days like this without crying if I didn't have him.

Even with all our outside problems at least we love and have each other.